you guys were way drunker than both of me
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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