She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
