if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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