Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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