He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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