Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
