thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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