Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
