TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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