If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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