He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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