My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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