I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
