I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
