I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
