So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
