i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
