I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
