Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
