Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
