Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
