ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
