I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
