Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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