He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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