Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
