I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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