I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You smell like stripper and shame
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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