If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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