Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
