If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
