Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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