I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The Olympian is in my bed
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
