i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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