her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
