I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
