you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Operation Purity has been aborted
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
