Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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