when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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