Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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