you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
