Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
