; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
