The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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