I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
