I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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