hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
