Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
