if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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