Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
