they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
