Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
