On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
