i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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